youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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