did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
