she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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