i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
