he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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