If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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