I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
