Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
