i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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