Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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