Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
