A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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