Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
