The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
