I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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