mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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