you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
