My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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