High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
