Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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