How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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