wakey wakey hands off snakey
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
bring money and cleavage
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
