I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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