My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
