i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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