is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
