I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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