also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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