the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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