Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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