It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
