Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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