im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
