So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
