I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize