You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
