im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
