why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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