Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In other news, I just burned my penis
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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