I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
