my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
