i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
