I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
