nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
