Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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