She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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