Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
In America we eat man semen.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
