Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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