i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
