I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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