You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
