People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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