mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
