He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The uberlube is also flammable
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
