She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
