If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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