By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
