a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
