Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
