someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
