i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize